it's been a while since i put barbwire and a sign that says, "stay 10 feet away at all times" around my heart. Ever since I was the quiet nerdy kid with bad skin and glasses in elementary school, i had trouble letting people in because 1) i never felt good enough, and 2) i was afraid that others would confirm what i believed all along. The fear of rejection and failure has stayed with me since then and has made it difficult for me to become close with others. It takes a long time before I feel comfortable being myself around others and in a way, that's ok, that's just who i am. At the same time, that fear.. well, it's real and it makes me afraid to meet new people or to love another boy for the rest of my life. PCAers, that means my box is closed with a horse standing on top :)

Somewhere along the way i think that i also put my guard up with God. A fear of imperfection, failure, being a sinner... that perhaps i am not lovable even by a God who is love. I'm not sure if this was the underlying current in my mind, but I definitely kept Him at arm's length for a long time. I desire intimacy but have no idea how to let Him in. What am i afraid of? judgment? condemnation? rejection? .... i'm not sure.