last night our fellowship had a bonfire. The entire week leading up to it was actually very tiring and emotionally draining. I think I'm PMSing but I know that can't be held responsible for everything I was feeling. For some reason I just felt heavy and somewhat discouraged. It was kind of unpleasant.

We had a benj planning meeting on wednesday and preparing for it made me think about a lot of things. Some of the feedback about Benj that was received (esp. Val Lam's) really challenged us as a group of leaders and pushed us to strive for more. It was good to know that the standard has been set higher and that we were able to recognize elements of fellowship that we lack.

At the same time, over the past year and even at the present, I'm discouraged that more people don't often step up and help out. There is little initiative and investment into the group as a whole. The worship and prayer night a week ago was the first program that a non-official leader led in at least half a year- i didn't realize how tired and weary i was until that day when i felt such a relief that i could worship God without being under the responsibility of planning a program.

This past week, i was mad at God for seemingly taking leaders away and i was mad at people for choosing not to lead..... but who am i to pick and choose where God places people? I was reminded of the truth that ultimately, under any circumstances, God provides. My anger was not justified - all this time, I have been relying on my own strength and the strength of others when I should have had faith that God will always step up and provide for our needs. If there is a need for more male leaders, He will raise them up. If it is His will that the leadership remains as only the four of us, He will empower us and enable us to serve Him effectively. I will believe in His faithfulness.

After the bonfire we went to Go for Tea and I was in the car with Maggie. I've known her for a long time but I still don't really know her. We started talking about the meeting and our fellowship and we were actually able to share about the struggles that are plaguing our daily lives. I was so encouraged by her determination and desire to see unity and trust among the leadership. Earlier in the day, I felt like I was very close to burning out because I felt alone in it all but she reminded me that I wasn't. My heart was so much lighter after our conversation.

At the end of the day, it's clear that God is/has been calling our fellowship and the leadership back to Him and I think we may finally be responding. There is a desire that wasn't present before. Exciting things are to come.. i can feel it.