I went to visit Queen's this past weekend (long live the four day weekend) and i had a great time. I stayed up so late every night trying to catch up with Mel/Steph/Faith and so I am now permanently unable to sleep before 3. This means that I'm also permanently unable to wake up before 10. I didn't do anything that interesting but it was a blessing to spend time with people I don't get to see all the time. It reminded me of how lucky I am to have formed these friendships in high school.. AND it turns out Jeffrey's dorm room is really in a stairwell and that he really likes beans haha.. who would have thought.

Every time i go to kingston i kind of feel like I'm getting the cheap fahn-bahn version of university at UT. I don't think I'm bitter about it and i don't throw tantrums about wishing I was at another school anymore but it's interesting to contrast student life at home and in another city. It's hard not to get jealous. Sometimes I wonder if I would be a different person if I went away for school but I have to believe that God has a plan and purpose for me here. At the same time, I feel like I'm failing the challenge so miserably.

I am so impatient. I like instant results instead of waiting for benefits that come in the long-run. I wish I knew at this very moment why things have panned out the way they have but it's clear that God is trying to teach me patience as a component of trusting in Him. If I trusted in Him, I wouldn't get so worked up about my immediate circumstances and deficiencies. At the moment, my trust in Him is so thin-I need some sort of spiritual corn starch.

I was also thinking about self-control last night while I was waiting for Melody to come downstairs and about how my life in the past few weeks have felt like a very tumultuous boat ride. I get dragged up and down by my emotions and my moods/attitudes/happiness are direct results of what happens. It feels so unstable. When I take an honest look at my life, it's clear that anger, selfishness and materialism have been driving a large portion of my actions. I act on impulse and I don't try (or try that hard) to control/reign in those forces. I really can't control the actions of others or certain circumstances that occur so if I get treated like crap or get repeatedly kicked in the shins by the world, so be it. I can choose how I react and I've got to get a handle on it. I don't want to be tossed around like a flimsy boat in the ocean anymore.

i don't quite know where to begin.