.:grace and gratitude:.

Good night blogger!

2009-01-01T14:49:00.001-08:00

2008-10-24T20:55:00.000-07:00

I am very stressed out about my future. I am very stressed out about money.
I am very stressed out because of the fear that I am going to continue to be mediocre and fail to get a job that will allow me to pay for my tuition. The high high high possibility of unemployment next summer is really really really scary. And disappointing. It manifests itself as a tightness in my chest and a thick anxiety that is a mixture of frustration, humiliation and impatience.

I am supposed to be successful.
I'm failing to meet those expectations.

*deep breath.*
Focus on the good. Focus on the blessings.
1) One interview is better than none.
2) I am "healthy." Dr. Hong confirmed it.
3) My debit card works again.
4) My parents love me.

thursday's thanks

2008-10-23T20:45:00.000-07:00

1) That the LAWS tutoring kick-off at Harbord went well! YESSSS! I was so stressed out about it but everything ran smoothly and all the tutors got along with the students.
2) That my classes were cancelled. I got to sleep in!
3) That I got to hang out with Theresa last night after girls' group. We watched 3 episodes of Friends including the one where Brad Pitt played Will, the co-founder of the "I Hate Rachel Green Club."

2008-10-22T16:03:00.000-07:00

My daily thanks:
1) My volunteering got cancelled today so I got to have lunch with friends.
2) I am thankful that I got to have an honest and sincere conversation with Adrian
3) For sweatpants. I love me my sweatpants.

2008-10-21T20:20:00.000-07:00

Today I am thankful for:
1) Cancelled classes! One prof is visiting GUANTANAMO BAY (what the..)!
2) That I had enough sense to wear a lot of clothing before going outside.
3) That I got to spend the evening with my former labmates Chris and Jeff. I like spending time with good people. :)
4) Polka dot dishes.

2008-10-20T22:03:00.000-07:00

Things I am Thankful for Today:
1) Discovering how to play Settlers online with Bev
2) That I actually had stuff to do during my volunteer placement
3) That Juicy Gels were 99 cents at Metro!
4) That I got to msn with Clare
5) That I didn't get drenched in the rain

Isaiah 32:1-4, 11-13, 25

2008-09-29T13:46:00.001-07:00

But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel:
Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I give Egypt as your ransom, Ethiopia and Seba in exchange for you.
Because you are precious in my sight, and honoured, and I love you,
I give people in return for you, nations in exchange for your life.

I, I am the LORD, and besides me there is no saviour.
I declared and saved and proclaimed, when there was no strange god among you;
and you are my witnesses, says the LORD.
I am God, and also henceforth I am He;
there is no one who can deliver from my hand;
I work and who can hinder it?

I, I am He
who blots out your transgressions for my own sake,
and I will not remember your sins.

Psalm 103: 8-19

2008-09-17T02:54:00.000-07:00

The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.

He will not always accuse, nor will he harbour his anger forever;

he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him;

as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.

As for man his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field;

the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more.

But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him,

and his righteousness with their children's children -

with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts.

The LORD has established his throne in heaven, and his kingdom rules over all.

the perversion of love

2008-09-02T18:35:00.000-07:00

"It was of erotic love that the Roman poet said, 'I love and hate,' but other kinds of love admit the same mixture. They carry in them seeds of hatred. If Affection is made the absolute sovereign of a human life the seeds will germinate. Love, having become a god, becomes a demon."
- p.68, The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis

2008-08-31T22:31:00.000-07:00

May, June and July were fantastic.
August has not been good to me. (although I must say that I was grateful for softball and the Olympics)

We'll see how September fares. Hopefully my summer stress levels will not be maintained.

Back to school!

i love the Olympics!!!

2008-08-09T16:15:00.000-07:00

Hip Hop International Winners

2008-08-06T10:06:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkBW18LyE8c
They are so good!!!

2008-08-01T23:07:00.000-07:00

I miss you Clarissa!

2008-08-01T23:05:00.000-07:00

2008-07-28T21:33:00.001-07:00

sometimes i feel worse when i thought i'd feel better... hmmm

last day of Summer Mentorship Program tomorrow! :(

2008-07-21T13:49:00.000-07:00

It's going to be a long week. I am pretty certain that I won't be home for dinner for the next seven days.

Anyhow, I am obsessed with So You Think You Can Dance. And that is probably an understatement. I am so in awe with the way the contestants are able to manipulate their muscles and convey so much emotion with their body movements. *happy sigh* I love it. Love love love. So far, Katee, Twitch, Chelsie and Mark are my favourites. Katee is GOLD in every routine she's in!!!

In other news, I cannot find my passport or birth certificate :( :( :( I am very worried. If I don't find it soon, i t means I won't be able to go to Michigan... or Pennsylvania... or New York... *sigh* I am beginning to realize just how disorganized I can be and I am finding myself rather frustrating.

guilt trap

2008-07-16T19:52:00.001-07:00

i am in the process of being guilted... hah is this a product of human pestering or a sign of God trying to persuade me otherwise? At the moment, I am unsure.

2008-07-12T20:20:00.000-07:00

i love my job!!! my students are the best and keep me happy all day long.

When our class went on a field trip last Thursday, somebody asked my class if they knew which country is the source of the most refugees in Canada. One girl said, "Africa." When she was told that that was not a country, another girl ventured a guess and said, "Asia." It was another excellent guess but alas, still incorrect. (the answer was Mexico)

2008-06-21T22:22:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I learned how to dice tomatoes, cut onions in rings and strips, and bbq.

I felt very accomplished.

Yes I am 23. And yes, I know that 15 year olds can care for themselves more adequately than I can. :)

conversation of one

2008-06-14T00:26:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I talk to other people and it's like talking to a wall. I start and finish the conversation, I ask all the questions, and then I volunteer information about myself related to the topic of discussion. This is something I don't mind, especially when I am talking to somebody who is younger and is really shy. However, it just gets frustrating when it's a peer!

With that said, I think that it is only frustrating in the case where you want to forge and develop a relationship with that person. This is because the one-sided conversation reveals that 1) they are not that interested in learning about things about you, 2) if they are interested, they are not trying that hard, or 3) they really don't want to be talking to you and are waiting for you to stop jabbering on and asking questions to fill the dead space. (Upon further reflection, I am sure that other people feel that way about their conversations with me...! Guilty as charged - I am not always engaging nor am I always interested in the other party.)

Horrible conversational experiences as described above are thankfully redeemed by honest, sincere, and meaty conversations that one may have with other friends. Last Wednesday, I had one of the most awkward conversations I have had in a long time and then a few hours later, I had one of the best conversations I have had in a long time. It was refreshing and encouraging and made me realize that I want to pursue and push relationships to the point where I and the other party can speak openly and frankly about the things on our hearts. It is unrealistic to think that every relationship in my life carries that ability but wow, life would be so much richer if they did.

Dreaming

2008-06-14T00:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I have very vivid dreams. Dreams with texture, colour, and emotion. Some dreams are ridiculous while others can be confused with another episode of life. The dreams that are filled with people that I know and storylines that are plausible are especially confusing. It usually takes me a few minutes to realize that the events in the dream didn't actually occur when I wake up in the morning. Waking up is disappointing when I had dreamt of something fantastic and amazing. At the same time, it's a great relief when I had dreamt of failure or hurt.

Once I dreamed that my mom died and I remember experiencing real feelings of grief and sadness for many months in my dream. When I woke up I was so thankful that my mom wasn't really dead but I was also semi-horrified that I would have to endure that grieving process in reality again. My dream grief hurt so much already.

Another time I dreamed that some broken relationships were mended and that I became good friends with somebody I don't talk to anymore. It was really really sad when I woke up and realized that nothing had actually changed.

With dreams so vivid, I wonder if they mean anything. Joseph had some pretty crazy dreams and they turned out to be images of the future. Generally my dreams appear to be a rehashing of what I mulled over the day before or I suppose they could be a true reflection of the hopes and fears in my mind... but I wonder if God ever tries to use them to reveal a specific lesson or fact to me. (I think He does......... but....... that is very presumptuous of me)

Psalm 16

2008-06-12T15:48:00.001-07:00

Protect me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
I say to the LORD, "You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you."

As for the holy ones in the land, they are the noble, in whom is all my delight.

Those who choose another god multiply their sorrows;
their drink offerings of blood i will not pour out or take their names upon my lips.

The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; I have a goodly heritage.

I bless the LORD who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me.
I keep the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved.

Therefore my heart is glad, and my soul rejoices; my body also rests secure.
For you do not give me up to Sheol, or let your faithful one see the Pit.

You show me the path of life.
In your presence there is fullness of joy;
in your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Congratulations Kenny and Clare!

2008-06-01T20:49:00.001-07:00

Summer Hope List

2008-05-22T21:51:00.001-07:00

1) Go rock climbing again! Master a 3.8 wall by August
2) Learn to bat consistently
3) Buy a guitar and then learn how to play it
4) To not buy any clothing
5) To be active
6) To be a better friend

2008-04-17T15:49:00.000-07:00

3 down, 2 exams and 2 papers to go.

i am loving the sunshine!

2008-04-13T20:37:00.000-07:00

i have become a self-created loner. and i think i'm ok with that.
there is only so much time in a day and my priorities have shifted.
it just feels necessary. it's the feeling of.. you've got to do what you've got to do.
it's a mixture of contentment, responsibility, and personal choice.

i don't know what this means for my personal/mental/emotional health... but it will have to do for now.

2008-04-13T20:16:00.001-07:00

today i tripped on the stairs at home and broke a toenail *ouch* :(

April

2008-04-11T18:47:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's April.

I can't believe I am 5 exams away from finishing my first year of law school. It went by so quickly and I still know NOTHING about the law haha. Sad, but true.

Anyway, because of a lack of better things to blog about, here is a list of things that I am currently occupying my time when I am not attempting to study my brains out:

1) Adele - 19 year old singer from England - so soulful! I especially enjoy the songs Hometown Glory and Chasing Pavements
2) Miss Vickie's chips
3) Miss Guided - a funny new no-laughtrack comedy on ABC
4) Daydreaming about the summertime
5) Marvelling over the warm weather
6) Eating Easter candy from the dollar store - MMM so yummy and SO CHEAP

And in other news, I have deactivated Facebook until my exams are over - i really really really miss playing scrabulous already :(

i can't wait until summer!!!

2008-03-16T20:09:00.000-07:00

I have bad taste in music. I used to try to have a handle on a lot of different music but really, I love pop music. It's terrible but true.

My latest guilty pop pleasures are:

Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love

Rihanna - Take a Bow

I can't get enough!

2008-03-03T20:28:00.000-08:00

James 4:8-10
Draw near to the Lord and He will draw near to you.
Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Lament and mourn and weep... Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will exalt you.

Psalm 34: 17-18
When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears, and rescues them from all their troubles.
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted, and saves the crushed in spirit.

Psalm 28: 6-9
Praise be to the LORD, for he has heard my cry for mercy.
The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.
The LORD is the strength of his people, a fortress of salvation for his anointed one.
Save your people and bless your inheritance; be their shepherd and carry them forever.

Ezekiel 34

2008-01-17T23:08:00.000-08:00

v.11-12 - For thus says the Lord GOD: I myself will search for my sheep, and will seek them out. As shepherds seek out their flocks when they are among their flocks when they are among hteir scattered sheep, so I will seek out my sheep. I will rescue them from all the places to which they have been scattered on a day of clouds and thick darkness.

v.30-31 They shall know that I, the LORD their God, am with them, and that they, the house of Israel, are my people, says the Lord GOD. You are my sheep, the sheep of my pasture and I am your God, says the Lord GOD.

Lord you are full of mercy and grace. You seek us even when we do not seek You. Fill our hearts with passion again.

new year's resolutions

2008-01-01T17:33:00.001-08:00

1) exercise. Regularly. (aka more than 4 times a year)
2) Study more.
3) Watch less TV so #2 can be achieved
4) Be more open and transparent with others
5) Move on - look to the future and not to the past
6) Love Jesus more.
7) Go to fellowship on campus
8) Be less judge-y
9) Listen to more music
10) Look at more art.
11) Keep in touch with more people.
12) Be more tidy.
13) Stop being so interested in celebrity gossip.

Merry Christmas

2007-12-19T22:21:00.000-08:00

Random McRandoms (for Tracy Leung haha)

2007-12-19T21:49:00.000-08:00

1) I cut my hair super short again today. I like it. And I will continue to like it until it grows out and does that weirdo flippy thing :( Although i will have to do more maintenance now.. boo.

2) My first semester of law school is OVER! it is shocking. I am terrified of getting my marks in January because I don't think I worked hard enough or studied enough this semester. I am afraid that i have disappointed myself and my parents... A new work ethic must be adopted in January.

3) When my computer got fried, I lost all my music so I have been searching for songs I want to listen to on Youtube and I have finally discovered the glories of youtube. IT HAS EVERYTHING!!! I LOVE IT.

4) MARIE DIGBY - http://www.myspace.com/mariedigby
i am LOVING her!!! i can't wait until she releases a real album. Youtube ALSO has Marie Digby - another point for Youtube!

5) Sweet potato chips have permanently gone down to $1.99 at Loblaws from $4 something - SCORE!

6) Mel came over yesterday and helped me decorate our Christmas tree. It looked really bad LOL. My sister came over before dinner and then we re-decorated. The tree looks a lot better now haha (we found more lights and moved the ribbon so it didn't look like toilet paper). It makes me feel warm and happy inside when I look at our tree when the lights are on :)

That is all for now.

God of mercy, God of grace

2007-11-14T15:34:00.001-08:00

On Sunday night, my computer repeatedly gave me the screen of death while I was at Clarissa's house. My Windows had become corrupt and would not start up. (I speculate that it is because of the trojan virus that we contracted in Asia while teaching English.) I attempted to create a back-up file and to re-install Windows but my computer notified me that this wasn't possible because a certain Windows file was missing. At that time, I knew that the most important thing was to retrieve my school notes. For various reasons (related to the trojan), I hadn't backed up my notes - 8 weeks of Constitutional law down the drain... that thought scared me to death! Thankfully, Uncle Simon agreed to help me and after nearly 3 hours, retrieved my files and backed it up on his external hard drive. My computer crashed and burned again after I brought it home.

On Monday, I came to terms with the fact that my Gateway had died. At school, I almost felt impaired - my laptop has become my lifeline during classes and I felt incompetent at handwriting my class notes haha.

I lost all my music and programs (bye bye Microsoft Word) but my school notes are ok.

This might seem like an act of technology, something that can be attributed to happenstance

but to me, it screams of only God's provision for me.

in my foolishness i failed to take the measures to back up my notes. That is a product of human error, oversight, and procrastination.

Yet God chose to show mercy and grace upon me.

2007-11-07T14:22:00.000-08:00

I want to go back to the other side of the world

2007-09-23T21:58:00.000-07:00

I really miss it.

2007-06-21T00:43:00.000-07:00

today was the first time we got online since we got to Taiwan - sorry it's taken me so long to blog!!! I was really homesick and missed you guys very much the first two days I got here. I think it's because I've been home away for a month now and we had a really good time in China and I really missed all of our students and our two other team members (Micky is from Vancouver and Grady is from Georgia). It was also harder here because not as many people know English here (most of the kids are really really bad at English - Grade 3 kids can't even sound out words like "pat"). However, I am not feeling as homesick now because I've gotten to know some of the kids better and we've fallen into more of a routine.

Anyway, I'm not really sure what to tell you because we've been doing a lot of random things here. We teach Gr 3-6 kids English in the evenings but during the day, we just go where they tell us to go and help out wherever they need help. We gardened for a long time the past 3 days which was sort of fun but really hard at the same time because it is SO HOT here. The temperature at 9am feels like the temperature we would have at noontime on the hottest day of the summer. I've been able to eat things but the weather and being outside for so long has been kind of hard on my eczema. I got pretty sunburned the other day but it is healing quickly so I'm very thankful for that.

mmm but before i go, a few prayer items
1) for understanding and quick learning of Mandarin
2) eczema - it's so hot here so i am sweating a lot and i get really itchy... and i am sunburned - pray that God will protect me and heal me

2007-05-17T14:51:00.000-07:00

so long Toronto! au revoir! a bientot!

i am leaving on a jetplane and i don't know when i'll be back again... (that's not completely true, I'm back July 4th ahah)

see you soon

2007-05-14T14:50:00.000-07:00

i saw spiderman 3 yesterday - it was ok. My expectations were pretty low since everybody told me that it was really really horrible so the movie was actually better than what I expected. There was tons of action but the ending was pretty cheesy and the middle of the movie was not cohesive and sort of draggy... so if i was to rate it out of 5 stars, it would only score 2.5. 3 if i didn't have to pay to watch it in a theatre.

but i must say, james franco, you are one good looking villain.

2007-05-13T20:33:00.000-07:00

packing seems rather daunting right now....
how much stuff do i need for six weeks?!

2007-05-11T22:33:00.000-07:00

"funtivities!!!"
"we will be named gryffindor....." "voldemort! voldemort! voldemort!"
"if Michael organizes a group hug, stand next to me."
"What Andy???.... bye Andy!"
Oh the Office, you are the best :)

today we went to Grace and Edward's house for a BBQ for Benj - it was really fun :) We sort of just sat around, ate lots of food and talked about nothing (like really bizarre dreams that we've had in the past). Playing Settlers of Catan with Bev, Grace and Sam for HOURS was also fun ahah, i laughed SO HARD the entire time :)

The only sad part was that i found out i am allergic to Grace's rabbit Pretzel the hard way - i cuddled Pretzel in my arms for like 10 minutes because Pretzel is the CUTEST RABBIT ON EARTH so i couldn't help myself.. but then my arms and neck got really itchy and then i got hives on my arms, neck and leg

2007-05-06T19:49:00.001-07:00

i had a really great weekend.

FRIDAY: cell group and midnight shopping at T&T
Giselle, Iris, Bev, Aly, Yingers, Val Lam, Grace & me - it was awesome! it was so much fun just hanging out, Bible studying, and talking about nothing. Aly brought over the most delicious leftover hummus and we got a cake for Val's birthday... but we only had imaginary candles because I couldn't find the real ones haha. All of us aren't that close since half of the girls go to school outside of Toronto but I have high hopes for the summer :)
-> another notable incident on Friday was when I didn't realize Jeffrey was home until he tried to strangle me with the hood on my shirt - LOLO i am so glad i got to see you this weekend (even though it was for a very short time)

After fellowship I went to Esther's place and hung out with some of my oldest friends - always a good time :) We went to T&T at midnight and then this new bubble tea place where all the workers were MALE!! SO ODD!!!!!

SATURDAY: Fresh Festival
it was a perfect post-exam refresher - an easygoing event on a beautiful day :) It was nice getting to know Giselle a bit better and I love Tony Campolo. He reminded us that "being a Christian means being willing to be broken by the things that breaks God's heart." The worship time was particularly noteworthy because i felt a sort of joy that I haven't experienced in a long time (i've been too distracted with personal issues and school)

SUNDAY: worship, tony campolo, softball, bulgolgi and mandarin
Today I led worship with just Bev and Joyce .... i swear, my brain TURNED OFF once the clock hit 9:30 because i forgot the order to half the songs and could not properly sing on rhythm OR key ahah... *sigh* oh well. Jesus I hope that it was still glorifying to you and not just distracting for the congregation.

After our service, I rushed over to People's for their 11:30am service because Tony Campolo was speaking again. LOVED it as expected - that man is just amazing - it's so clear that God's Spirit is with him. He didn't say anything revolutionary but he definitely re-illuminated some truths that every Christian sort of knows already. It was a great source of encouragement.

We had our first official softball practice at 3pm and it was really interesting to see the new team dynamics. Since it was the first practice, it's obvious that we are not yet cohesive as a team but i see a lot of potential and am very excited to see how the rest of the season unfolds :) I ran a lot during the practice so i'm probably going to be VERY VERY sore tomorrow... and the day after *tear*

To end off a great weekend, i ordered take-out bulgolgi for dinner and then I went to Mandarin lesson where I learned to say, "Did you go fishing yesterday?" So AWESOME hah

2007-05-06T19:43:00.000-07:00

we started a travel blog for our trip to China: http://megetrip.blogspot.com
Woohoo! There isn't much on it now but we'll be adding a lot more stuff soon

2007-05-05T09:57:00.001-07:00

SUMMER feels really nice :) *happy sigh*
i loveeee sunshine!!!

i don't really know what to do with myself now that i have all this time that isn't occupied by studying. All i want to do is dance around (bev i'm pointing my toes) and giggle with glee ahah

2007-05-02T20:14:00.001-07:00

i hate cognitive psychology.

HOWEVER, i do love tracy leung! happy birthday!!!!! sorry i couldn't be there on Monday - maybe we can celebrate next week? :)

2007-04-30T14:02:00.000-07:00

dearest aly
i am still craving the food that we ate at Manna yesterday :)
Seriously, I woke up wanting more of that mango salsa.
I'm starting to drool just thinking about that and the hummus hah

If you opened a restaurant, I would TOTALLY eat there... possibly everyday.

2007-04-26T22:33:00.000-07:00

i have just discovered that I LOVE FRESH MANGO :) :) :)
it is so yummy and makes me really happy

i miss being in Gilead!

2007-04-15T20:48:00.001-07:00

,
originally uploaded by Little Emily.

Last Friday Benj led games for Gilead's 30 hour famine and it was so much fun!!! I was SO SO SO impressed by their creativity and enthusiasm and willingness to be plain silly :) AND i've got to say that i was super impressed by everybody in Benj's willingness to be silly too. I should really upload the video of Eunice and Nathan singing Britney Spears...

easter

2007-04-05T21:28:00.000-07:00

We are an imperfect humanity. Selfish, greedy, and cruel.
Sometimes we try our best but even that can be a far cry from who we are called to be.
How is it that Jesus hung on a cross in humiliation to save us?
It is astounding and beyond comprehension.

Jesus your sacrifice tells me of
the depth of love and mercy that you have for us
the depth of love and mercy that you have for me
i want to be filled with awe for you, love for you
and remember that what you give is sufficient
lead me to repentance and the realization that the salvation you offer is more than anything else in this world

wash away my dirt and draw me into the life you offer

remind me of the bigger picture:
that these hurts won't last forever and don't really matter
in the darkness of my own sin
and in the light of your mercy and grace

2007-04-03T21:32:00.000-07:00

there is exactly one more month left of my undergraduate student career.
that is really frightening given the amount of work and studying that needs to be done

and there is exactly a month and half until I leave for HK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
that is so crazy!!! i am really really really really really excited and cannot wait.

and there is exactly ZERO days left until Faith leaves for Mexico! :( We're going to miss you, Saturday mornings won't be the same without you!!!

ok, enough of this silliness, back to work.

2007-03-15T22:00:00.000-07:00

sometimes i can trick myself into thinking that i don't care
about school, past hurts, mistakes, my future, unfinished work
just whatever is bothering me at the moment
... i think that's called denial.

on the brink

2007-03-08T15:47:00.000-08:00

it is a little unbelievable to me that i will be convocating this coming June and that many of my close childhood friends will also do so, have already done so, or are about to move into the exciting next phase of their life. Steph is going to teach in HK in August, Faith is leaving to teach in Mexico in a month, Mel is doing her Masters, Robert's graduating from pharmacy, Brent is about to do his pharmacy rotations all over the States, Amanda's going to be a PT, I'm going to law school, Adrian wants to buy RSPs.... when did we all suddenly grow up? It's all pretty nuts, especially since it honestly just felt like yesterday when we were wreaking havoc in elementary school. It's interesting to see how people have changed but it's so amazing to me that we still manage to interact and love each other in exactly the same way we did years ago.

I hope it's the same in ten years :)

next four weeks = death

2007-03-08T15:42:00.000-08:00

4 papers, 1 in class exam in the next 30 days. oh my freakin goodness, 4th year was supposed to be EASY...!!!!! (whoever told me that was a LIAR hah)

2007-02-27T22:44:00.000-08:00

there are some days where the things i say/think/do make me feel like i'm failing so miserably at the tests that God puts in my life. Father i am incapable of doing the right things on my own.

Jesus
clean my mind
clean my soul
renew my heart
make me whole

i know that you can and will but how long do i need to wait?

2007-02-21T00:13:00.000-08:00

today i was studying at the library with tracy and jeffrey when my laptop repeatedly gave me the blue screen of DEATH that contained the words "fatal error" among other things. *sigh.* Jeffrey confirmed my fears when he said, "There's something wrong with your computer." I shake my fist at you Gateway, I shake my fist.

2007-02-10T22:43:00.000-08:00

it's been a while since i put barbwire and a sign that says, "stay 10 feet away at all times" around my heart. Ever since I was the quiet nerdy kid with bad skin and glasses in elementary school, i had trouble letting people in because 1) i never felt good enough, and 2) i was afraid that others would confirm what i believed all along. The fear of rejection and failure has stayed with me since then and has made it difficult for me to become close with others. It takes a long time before I feel comfortable being myself around others and in a way, that's ok, that's just who i am. At the same time, that fear.. well, it's real and it makes me afraid to meet new people or to love another boy for the rest of my life. PCAers, that means my box is closed with a horse standing on top :)

Somewhere along the way i think that i also put my guard up with God. A fear of imperfection, failure, being a sinner... that perhaps i am not lovable even by a God who is love. I'm not sure if this was the underlying current in my mind, but I definitely kept Him at arm's length for a long time. I desire intimacy but have no idea how to let Him in. What am i afraid of? judgment? condemnation? rejection? .... i'm not sure.

2007-02-10T22:39:00.000-08:00

i despise being sick :(
it feels like somebody shoved a slab of cement into my head
and turned on a tap through my nose hah

2007-02-09T23:07:00.000-08:00

Today we played Yahoo Graffiti at Benj because we all had our laptops with us :) It was a LOT of fun. Bev, you are my archnemesis now!!!

2007-02-01T14:30:00.000-08:00

I'm excited for summer to come - in a season that is COLD, dreary and grey, I cannot help but wish that it was already May. My undergraduate career also cannot end soon enough. I am pretty bored at school and there are way too many things to look forward to to NOT be excited for the summer.
- trip to HK & China
- softball (EXERCISE!)
- convocation
- the new harry potter book (july 21st!!!)

i think that over the years, i have associated the summer with a sense of belonging, relaxation and happiness. However, i am slightly afraid that i will still feel alone in the summertime and that this feeling will never go away. Father how come i fail to claim your promises in my daily life? How do i forget so quickly about you but cannot forget about the temporary things the world has to offer? it is unfathomable.

Does wishing for the future prevent me from living my life in the present? HMM...

2007-01-31T17:09:00.000-08:00

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28

"The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever."
- Psalm 23

Peace - Robbie Seay Band

2007-01-24T23:31:00.000-08:00

calmer than the sky
far away so blue
land of living God
grant your peace on earth
we can feel you move
and cannot stay the same
the winds are blowing strong
God of heaven come

breathe peace
breathe your peace on us
so we might breathe you deep
breathe peace
breathe your peace on us
land of the living God

if we are in the way
move us to the side
God forgive our wrongs
rest your hands on us
all the world is yours
let us not forget
it was you who bore the cross
God of comfort breathe

2007-01-23T21:21:00.000-08:00

When you ask, Jesus gives you enough courage and balls to do something that you could never do by yourself... and when it happens, it really blows your mind.

2007-01-22T05:23:00.000-08:00

"Praise the Lord, all you nations; extol him, all you peoples. For great is his
love toward us, and the faithfulness of the LORD endures forever. Praise the
Lord."- Psalm 117

i didn't sleep much last night. there was a lot of wall-staring and tossing and turning going on. at one point i just wanted the morning to come as fast as possible because not being able to fall asleep felt a bit like torture. however, my heart does feel a little bit lighter now so.... that is a good thing. God, you are my comfort and I trust in your plan for me. I know that you know me better than I know myself and that you only want what is good for me. Fill me with your joy and grace.

This school semester has been marked by a lack of motivation to study so far. It's kind of odd because I feel so guilty for procrastinating but I also can't bring myself to do it at the same time. I'm totally going to pay for my current slacker attitude in february.

2007-01-21T21:00:00.001-08:00

i feel numb.
why is my heart so stubborn...

ALY PICK UP THAT TEN DOLLAR BILL

2007-01-16T21:06:00.001-08:00

,
originally uploaded by Little Emily.

today we had a Benj planning meeting - Father i believe that you will provide... in a way the changes that have taken place are ok, it will just remind us to lean on God more than ever.

After our meeting, Doug told us this really random analogy for dating and that we needed to go pick up that ten dollar bill if it's lying on the floor... it's a long analogy, it would take too long to explain.

Usually my favourite part about the planning meetings is driving Aly because we have the best conversations in the car :) And when we got to her place, we talked in the car for at least half an hour more. (my toes got REALLY COLD) There are some people that i feel very uncomfortable and self-conscious around but it's so easy to be myself with Aly. I really love Alison Ma because she is one of the most genuine people I have ever met and I can be really silly when we're together. Whether or not she gets into OT, I definitely believe that she'll succeed wherever God leads her. (future roomie???!!!)

2007-01-15T19:13:00.000-08:00

i am addicted to animal crossing
MUST EARN BELLS TO PAY OFF MY MORTGAGE!!!

2007-01-09T21:14:00.001-08:00

it's kind of weird to have a day off in the middle of the week

2007-01-07T21:51:00.000-08:00

i can't believe the Christmas holiday is over already. It's semi-relieving since it was so busy (so now it's a break from the break) but it's also semi-horrifying since it means i need to return to good old St. George campus tomorrow.

anyway, one of the biggest discoveries i made during this holiday season was how incredible of an invention dri-fit material is. Ken, I am sorry I ever made fun of you for wearing your tight under armor shirts that ride up under your softball uniform - they really are fantastic. I bought a Nike dri-fit tanktop from Vaughn Mills 2 weeks ago and after wearing it to beach volleyball, I realize that it was one of the best $20 I have ever spent. EVER. Sure, I could feel the sweat with my fingers when I touched my tanktop but I couldn't feel it at all on my skin (eg on my back). IT WAS AMAZING!!! I can't get over it.

2006-12-27T01:45:00.000-08:00

happy birthday clarissa leung! :)

2006-12-20T23:53:00.000-08:00

it is currently 2:55am and I cannot go to sleep yet because my hair is wet... it probably wasn't a wise decision on my part to wash it at 2am.

Anyway, i haven't posted a real post in a while and there are a lot of random things I want to blog about but I'm not sure how many of them I will get through because I am longwinded so I will probably forget items by the time I reach the end of the next paragraph.

Mini buttons/poes, you are such a naughty cat, you need to stop running out of carol's house. next time you will get 10 forced hugs as punishment.

Yesterday afternoon, I officially finished my first semester of fourth year university... that blows my mind a little bit when I think about it. I was SO ECSTATIC when I walked out of the exam room yesterday at 4pm and I was even ecstatic WALKING INTO the exam room at 2pm because I knew the end was that close. Besides finishing exams, one of my highlights from this past month was having a good talk with one of our lab's grad students Julia. One of the biggest blessings in my university career was my involvement in the same psych lab since 2nd year. I've been able to develop some good relationships and I got to know Julia a lot better over the past summer. It's interesting, she's Jewish but is not religious or spiritual in the formal sense and yet she is one of the most loving and Christlike individuals I have ever met. It's a little inspiring.

In TV news..
-Quote of the week from the coach on the TLC show Texas Cheerleading Moms (or something like that) commenting on how unnecessarily dramatic one cheerleader was after enduring a fall from a stunt: "She just fell, it's not like she was shot." Wow, he was just oozing with empathy the way I'm oozing with sincerity.
-I have a new love and his name is YUL KWON!!! *swoon!* I'm so glad he won Survivor.

Alright, I'm tired now.

2006-12-13T22:12:00.000-08:00

3 DOWN 1 TO GO!!!! the end is so near!!!

2006-12-07T09:22:00.000-08:00

1 down, 3 to go - school, you are the bane of my existence yet again

2006-12-05T00:10:00.000-08:00

school is almost over, 15 more days - thank goodness!!! i really hate studying... it gives me the feeling of impending doom or something... hah i know, i'm such a whiner.

i really miss my hamster!!! i was so sad last wednesday because kingsley was my first pet ever but i'm ok now. i kind of want to get a rebound hamster but i feel like i should wait a little bit because it would be rude to kingsley to get a replacement so quickly

QUESTION: is mixing vanilla soy ice cream and orange juice bad for you? it tastes so good (is this what a creamsicle tastes like???) but my insides felt so funny after i consumed it.. it felt like I had heartburn or something...

you were a good pet kingsley

2006-11-28T20:49:00.000-08:00

weekend of fun

2006-11-27T20:42:00.000-08:00

this weekend was one of the most relaxing weekends i've had since summer. Everybody was back in town and it made me so happy. I've got to say that God has blessed me with some really amazing friends and being able to spend so much time with them was more than I could ask for.

saturday was great. I cried twice from laughing so hard at Adrian when we (me, mel & adrian) were at the library. There's also nothing like eating a good meal (ASIAN LEGEND!) and talking until 2am with good friends.

sunday was also fantastic. service was pretty beautiful and watching april and bev play boxing on ken's nintendo wii was one of the funniest things i have ever seen. i also learned how to play settlers of catan at midnight with will and esther and we played until 1:30am. will and esther are two of my dearest friends in the entire world and i was so excited that they came home for the weekend.

unfortunately, that is the most fun i will be having in a long time. My exams start next Thursday so it's time to buckle down... *sigh* oh school, you are the bane of my existence.

i see non-dead people!

2006-11-23T22:42:00.000-08:00

today was a really good day, i saw SO MANY people randomly and i didn't have to study for anything. such a great combination.

In the past 24 hours, i saw AND talked to :
Elisa & Dirk & Charlemagne their dog
Marc Capistrano in tutorial
fun labmates (Jeff & Chris) & grad students (alisa and julia)
MELODY at the library
Tim and George at Queen's Park Station
Ken (from Bloor to home!)
Carol & Martin & Buttons their cat

it was AWESOME because I rarely see SO MANY people during the week so i got pretty giddy at some points.

2006-11-22T21:32:00.000-08:00

it's really frightening when you're DREAMING about the midterm(s) you just wrote and all the possible errors you may have made on it... some things should just be FORGOTTEN...

2006-11-14T23:18:00.001-08:00

i found this in my psych reading and i really liked it:

"My grandmother had a very interesting theory; she said that each of us is born with a box of matches inside us but we can't strike them all by ourselves... the oxygen would come from the breath of the person you love; the candle could be any kind of food, music, caress, word, or sound that engenders the explosion that lights one of the matches. For a moment we are dazzled by the intense emotion. A pleasant warmth grows within us... Each person has to discover what will set off these explosions in order to live, since the combustion that occurs when one of them is ignited is what nourishes the soul."
- Laura Esquivel in Like Water for Chocolate

2006-11-09T20:17:00.000-08:00

This is hilarious!!! I just had to do it after seeing Sam's on his blog and I laughed pretty hard at the results - who DOESN'T want to look like Matthew Perry or random Korean/Japanese stars!?

2006-11-09T07:51:00.000-08:00

so long politics paper! you ruined my life for a week and you are now finally FINISHED and GONE. i did NOT enjoy your company.
-> it was the most painful paper i have written in four years but i don't know WHY because it's only for a second year course (that made the struggle extra depressing). It's odd but I find that the quality of my written work has been DECREASING over my university career as well... I swear, it just gets worse and worse hah

2006-11-07T04:09:00.000-08:00

It is currently 4:09am and I am so awake.
It could be because I woke up at 2pm today and also took a nap between 10-11pm... just a guess :)

2006-10-30T16:37:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I watched the film The Prestige which can be summarized by this equation:
The Prestige = Wolverine + Batman + 19th century + magic
It was a pretty good movie but seriously, i think i took more joy in knowing that i was watching Wolverine and Batman square off than in the super twisty/confusing and sometimes eerie storyline.

2006-10-28T09:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday night was the View at Benj and we didn't talk about the scheduled "predestination vs free choice" debate which was somewhat of a relief because i was too tired for a super heavy theological discussion. We ended up doing 20 questions with doug and kathy (aka random questions were asked to us and to them) and the conversation quickly turned to the issue of dating. This has been a trend the past year (Jason said, "Haven't we done FOUR Views on dating") but I thought it was pretty funny because all the girls were super into it and the guys looked either 1) bored, 2) disinterested, or 3) uncomfortable. I felt bad for them haha

anyway doesn't look my sleep pattern is going to change any time soon. I slept at four last night (or this morning if you will) because I was revising my personal statement... my naps will sustain me :)

2006-10-26T20:03:00.000-07:00

i am currently craving pizza and chunky soup.
why can't my body crave healthy things like carrots or celery sticks???

does this look familiar?

2006-10-25T21:51:00.000-07:00

NBC.com launched a Conan O'Brien cartoon called "Pale Force" a while ago where Conan and another pasty friend fight crime. (see picture) This cartoon still of a bare-chested Conan defeating a bad guy looks shockingly familiar... Jeffrey, Conan could be your mentor :)

2006-10-22T12:20:00.000-07:00

i've become a nap monster...

WARNING: FLAG AS MAY OFFEND

2006-10-18T20:59:00.000-07:00

This morning as I was checking my email in class, my eyes were greeted with this little pleasantry. At first I didn't even know who it was and thought my friend (who is not in the photo) was sending me a really weird random photo of a shirtless male... but then... upon further inspection....

LOL I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE WORDS TO KNOW HOW TO REACT TO THIS...
yes, there is even a superman S written on the chest...

2006-10-13T20:59:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMANDA!!

fantastic article on stephen colbert

2006-10-10T20:44:00.000-07:00

http://www.newyorkmetro.com/news/politics/22322/

blessed are the merciful

2006-10-08T20:54:00.000-07:00

Cedric and Trang's wedding today was beautiful. The weather, the music, the flow, the vows.. everything was perfect :) In Cedric's vows, he gave a list of Trang's good qualities and he mentioned that she was full of mercy. Everybody giggled because it was obvious that it meant she regularly overlooked his mistakes but it got me thinking about what real mercy is and what it's function in a relationship is.

mercy [mur-see] - n.
1) compassionate or kindly forbearance shown toward an offender, an enemy or other person in one's power
2) disposition to be compassionate or forbearing
3) the discretionary power of a judge to pardon someone or to mitigate punishment
4) act of kindness, compassion, favour
5) leniency and compassion shown toward offenders by a person or agency charged with administering justice

it's fair to assume that nobody on this earth is perfect and that everybody will at one point or another, do something flawed. Even people like the dalai lama will err in their ways. We will all hurt somebody's feelings, be inconsiderate, selfish, self-righteous, proud and the list goes on and on.

this can operate within two levels of relationships:
1) your relationship with God - this is a given - we can only be called children of God through God's mercy
2) your relationship with others - I experience a huge amount of mercy from the people in my life - my parents, my friends...
ex. Melody always shows me mercy when I am impatient, she just puts up with me and does not become impatient back

While being the recipient of mercy is good and fine, it is necessary for mercy to travel both ways.
Maybe when the mercy stops flowing, the relationship starts to break down (or it contributes to its demise) - this is a plausible explanation for one relationship in my life.

i guess that all i'm trying to say is that in the past year i have not been practicing mercy.
maybe the relationship was suffering and could not be restored because I was not extending the mercy that God commands of us and has given us so freely.

I think the difficulty I had was that extending mercy means that you give up the right to get what you deserve or give the offender what they deserve. That requires you to swallow your pride a little bit and it takes a dose of selflessness. I didn't want to give up the notion of retribution. That desire disguised itself as something else the entire year but in retrospect, I simply could not let that person off the hook, i wanted some sort of... I don't know, i didn't want revenge in the typical sense but sometimes you just wish that person knew how it felt or fully understood the impact of their actions. It almost felt like I would LOSE or admit defeat if I just let it slide. Regardless of what form it took, I refused to show mercy and I didn't realize that until today.

GOD teach me how to show mercy to others
is this a step towards healing and restoration?

2006-10-04T21:04:00.000-07:00

Veronica Mars is one of the best written show on my tv schedule. love love love it!!!
LOST and THE OFFICE, you are not bad either.
GILMORE GIRLS... you are really in decline :(

2006-10-04T09:31:00.005-07:00

school in october does not look fun... oh dear
BUT i am very very excited for the Lost premiere tonight... eeee i can't wait!

alison ma, you are a very good listener, you should put that on your resume :)

2006-10-02T14:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to Wonderland for the first time in years and I loved it. The line-ups were super short (11 rides in 5 hours!), the weather was beautiful, and I don't know why or how, but rollercoasters make me SO HAPPY. I'm literally all smiles and giggles when I'm on one (minus the Tomb Raider ride because that one can be properly described by Ken and Adrian as "Meh"). Must be the adrenaline and endorphins...

comforting

2006-10-02T14:17:00.000-07:00

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to
you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile." - Jeremiah 29:11-14

there are better days to come...!

2006-09-30T11:21:00.000-07:00

au revoir LSAT!
bonjour ignored readings!

2006-09-27T09:28:00.000-07:00

adrian my arms are going to get even buffer!
yesterday i bought a printer at the best buy at Bay & Dundas and then I dragged it to campus and then I dragged it home (with help from Aly). Today my arms are KILLING ME.. soooo painful and achy haha... and i think my parents don't want the printer.

2006-09-26T22:44:00.000-07:00

i really love alison ma.
just thought i'd let you know :)

continuum

2006-09-25T19:14:00.000-07:00

i bought John Mayer's cd Continuum 2 weeks ago and i really like it. There are few CDs that I have an affinity for right away and this was one of them. Most other CDs have to grow on me before I can listen to them in entirety. I am not a musical genius so I can't comment on whether the chord structure or progressions are as complicated as his previous CDs (apparently it is not) etc, but it doesn't matter, Continuum can definitely be classified under "easy listening." John Mayer (the guy who can appreciate Doodlebop's music for its structure) would fit nicely on CHUM fm's playlists.

the songs i really like (in no particular order):
Slow Dancing in a Burning Room
The Heart of Life
Dreaming with a broken heart
In Repair
Stop this train

Heart of Life by John Mayer
I hate to see you cry lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears and listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But i know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new
That news never had good timing
But then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But i know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But i know the heart of life is good, i know it's good, i know it's good

Oh i know it's good
Oh i know it's good
Oh i do, i do, i do
Oh i know it's good

2006-09-24T21:12:00.000-07:00

i don't know what i did but somehow my sidebar is now at the very bottom after the posts.... what the... thanks a lot blogger! can somebody tell me how I can fix it?